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姑娘!千万别掉入“煤气灯男”的陷阱!

2017-02-17    来源:普特英语听力    【      美国外教 在线口语培训

你们是不是很好奇“煤气灯男”是个什么鬼?

 
“Gaslighter”这个词来源于1944年上映的由英格丽·褒曼与查尔斯·博耶主演的《煤气灯下》(Gaslight),这部电影讲述的是美丽、善良的少女宝拉(英格丽·褒曼 Ingrid Bergman 饰),在姑母死后获得了大笔遗产,引来心术不正的青年安东(查尔斯·博耶 Charles Boyer 饰)觊觎。追求宝拉成功后,二人回到宝拉姑母曾经遇害的伦敦旧宅居住。
 
社会

本以为就此拥有完美丈夫和幸福生活的宝拉,逐渐受到古怪现象困扰,她总会听到奇怪的响声,东西经常莫名其妙消失又出现,新来的女仆也对她态度轻蔑,煤气灯也开始忽明忽暗,安东暗示一切都是宝拉自己的幻觉,是宝拉的精神出现了问题。就在宝拉慢慢心理崩溃,濒临发疯的边缘,一个年轻的侦探伯林(约瑟夫·科顿 Joseph Cotten 饰)出现了,他发现宝拉正在被孤立,背后的主谋正是她的完美丈夫……
 
社会

相信聪明的小伙伴已经发现,电影中安东的行为跟家庭暴力中的心理控制或者心理暗示,非常相似,只是安东实施的是纯粹的心理暴力,而现实生活中好多施暴者是将心理暴力与身体暴力并行的。
 
很多人面对家庭暴力的受害者会诘问——“你们为什么不离开?”
 
这个问题可能要专业人士给你说上一天一夜也未必讲的清,但据研究,在家暴中,施害者对受害者不光会施行身体暴力,还会进行心理暗示或者心理控制。
 
社会

如上图,是一个家庭暴力的循环理论,主要分四个阶段:
 
第一个阶段,不安增加。
 
两人之间出现冲突,交流出现障碍,受害者开始变得不安、恐惧,开始讨好、抚慰施害者。
 
第二个阶段,暴力发生。
 
施害者会对受害者进行言词、精神以及身体上的虐待。这一阶段,施害者会愤怒、抱怨、争吵,并对受害者进行威胁、恐吓。
 
第三个阶段,和解。
 
施害者产生悔意,开始找借口,对受害者道歉并责备受害者,认为“你也有错”“一个巴掌拍不响”,并否认自己的暴力行径——“事情哪有你说的那么严重,你不要太夸张好不好?”
 
第四个阶段,暴力过后的“蜜月期”
 
施暴过后,施害者往往会表现的特别温柔,给受害者制造“他是生气了才会口不择言,他是不小心推(打)的我,他下手不是故意那么重的,他以后不会再这样,他还是最爱我的”这样的温馨假象,俩人重归于好。
 
这样的四个阶段在家庭暴力中会不停的循环往复,每一位施暴者都好似一位“煤气灯男”。
 
心理学博士Stephanie Sarkis的文章很好地揭示了这一问题——
 
社会
了解并识别“煤气灯男”,保护自己
 
希望以下的内容,能对大家带来一些帮助。
 
Gaslighting is a tactic in which a person or entity, in order to gain more power, makes a victim question their reality. It works much better than you may think. Anyone is susceptible to gaslighting, and it is a common technique of abusers, dictators, narcissists, and cult leaders. It is done slowly, so the victim doesn't realize how much they've been brainwashed. For example, in the movie Gaslight (1944), a man manipulates his wife to the point where she thinks she is losing her mind. 
心理控制是一个人为了获得权力,而使得受害者怀疑自身的一种手段,它比大家想象的要更可怕。每个人都有可能受到心理控制,这也是那些施害者、独裁者、自恋狂以及邪教领导人惯用的伎俩。这个控制的过程是缓慢发生的,所以受害者根本意识不到自己已经被洗脑了。比如说《煤气灯下》这部电影中,男主对妻子的控制程度已经把她逼到了崩溃发疯的边缘。
 
那些“煤气灯男”使用的典型手段如下:
 
1.They tell blatant lies.
他们明目张胆的撒谎
 
You know it's an outright lie. Yet they are telling you this lie with a straight face. Why are they so blatant? Because they're setting up a precedent. Once they tell you a huge lie, you're not sure if anything they say is true. Keeping you unsteady and off-kilter is the goal. 
你明知道那是一个彻头彻尾的谎言,他们却能义正言辞的说出口,为何会如此?这是因为他们在给你设立一个“先例”,一旦他们再告诉你一个更过分的谎言,你反倒会开始怀疑他们之前说的到底是不是真的。让你失了常态、变得摇摆不定就是他们的目的。
 
2.They deny they ever said something, even though you have proof. 
即使你证据确凿,他们依然会否认自己说过的话
 
You know they said they would do something; you know you heard it. But they out and out deny it. It makes you start questioning your reality—maybe they never said that thing. And the more they do this, the more you question your reality and start accepting theirs. 
明明他们亲口说过,明明你也亲耳听到了,你知道事实就是如此,可他们却会完完全全彻头彻尾不折不扣的否认,反而令你开始怀疑现实——他是不是真的没有说过?这样的次数越多,你会越来越怀疑自己所相信的事实,直到你开始相信他口中的“真相”。
 
3.They use what is near and dear to you as ammunition. 
他们把你亲近的人当做武器
 
They know how important your kids are to you, and they know how important your identity is to you. So those may be one of the first things they attack. If you have kids, they tell you that you should not have had those children. They will tell you'd be a worthy person if only you didn't have a long list of negative traits. They attack the foundation of your being. 
他们知道孩子对你来说有多重要,同样也知道你的身份认同对你来说有多重要,所以这些,首当其冲变成了他们的攻击点。如果你有孩子,他们可能会说,你根本就不应该有孩子(生活中我们常见的有“你这种人就不配生孩子”“只有你才能教出来这种孩子”“哼,这孩子一看就随你”等等通过孩子来贬低对方的言语);他们也会对你发动人身攻击,如果你没有那一长串的缺点该多好(比如,“你要是没那么胖就好了”“你要是再高点该多好”“你牙齿怎么那么难看”“你那破工作能挣几个钱啊”等等,这里列举的已经是相当委婉的贬低言词了,更过分的相信大家可以自行脑补)。他们会毫不留情的攻击“你之所以成为你”的所有东西。
 
4.They wear you down over time.
他们会慢慢的击垮你
 
This is one of the insidious things about gaslighting—it is done gradually, over time. A lie here, a lie there, a snide comment every so often...and then it starts ramping up. Even the brightest, most self-aware people can be sucked into gaslighting—it is that effective. It's the "frog in the frying pan" analogy: The heat is turned up slowly, so the frog never realizes what's happening to it. 
这是心理控制中最阴险可恶的部分,它是随着时间的流逝,一点一点发生的。信手拈来的谎言、日常中频繁的讽刺挖苦......然后,量变就会引发质变了。即便是最明亮、自我意识最强的人也会陷入这样的控制中去,它太有效了。这跟“温水煮青蛙”一个道理:水温是逐渐变高的,等青蛙意识到时,为时已晚了。
 
5.Their actions do not match their words.
他们言行不一
 
When dealing with a person or entity that gaslights, look at what they are doing rather than what they are saying. What they are saying means nothing; it is just talk. What they are doing is the issue. 
跟这样一个喜欢心理控制的人打交道,你要看他们做了什么,而不是说了什么。他们说的那些大话没有任何意义,他们做了什么才是真正关键的。
 
6.They throw in positive reinforcement to confuse you. 
他们通过正强化进一步混淆你
 
This person or entity that is cutting you down, telling you that you don't have value, is now praising you for something you did. This adds an additional sense of uneasiness. You think, "Well maybe they aren't so bad." Yes, they are. This is a calculated attempt to keep you off-kilter—and again, to question your reality. Also look at what you were praised for; it is probably something that served the gaslighter. 
他们告诉你,你没有一丝存在的价值,结果翻脸又夸你哪哪哪做的好,他们这是在进一步削弱你,会让你变得更加惶恐不安。你没准会想,“也许他还没那么糟”。大错特错,他们就是那么糟。这是他们精心计划的,好让你再一次失去常态,再一次怀疑自己。你应该看看他们夸你夸的是哪一方面,通常都是你为他们所做的事。
 
*注:在心理学中,正强化(positive reinforcement)的定义是,任何导致我们以后进行该行为的可能性增加的结果。就是奖励那些符合组织目标的行为,以使这些行为得到进一步加强,从而有利于组织目标的实现。
 
7.They know confusion weakens people. 
他们知道混乱会削弱一个人
 
Gaslighters know that people like having a sense of stability and normalcy. Their goal is to uproot this and make you constantly question everything. And humans' natural tendency is to look to the person or entity that will help you feel more stable—and that happens to be the gaslighter.  
“煤气灯男”都知道人是喜欢稳定和保持常态的,所以,他们的目的就是将你的稳定和常态连根拔起、彻底推翻,让你不停的怀疑一切。处在这种状态下的人会本能的寻找能让自己感到稳定与安全感的人——这时候“煤气灯男”就身穿金甲战衣,脚踏七色云彩出现了。
 
8.They project.
他们步步为营
 
They are a smoker or a cheater, yet they are constantly accusing you of that. This is done so often that you start trying to defend yourself, and are distracted from the gaslighter's own behavior. 
他们自己酗烟劈腿,却反过来诬陷你(举个例子,比如说很多男性在被发现出轨后,会反咬一口,“你上次还和那谁谁眉来眼去以为我没看见”“你跟那谁谁谁天天聊微信以为我瞎没发现啊”“你穿那么暴露是不是为了勾搭男人”等等)。然后事情就发展成,你居然成了要解释的那一个,他的行径反倒被忽视了,他做这些就是为了分散你的注意力。
 
9.They try to align people against you.
他们联合其他人一起针对你
 
Gaslighters are masters at manipulating and finding the people they know will stand by them no matter what—and they use these people against you. They will make comments such as, "This person knows that you're not right," or "This person knows you're useless too." Keep in mind it does not mean that these people actually said these things. A gaslighter is a constantliar. When the gaslighter uses this tactic it makes you feel like you don't know who to trust or turn to—and that leads you right back to the gaslighter. And that's exactly what they want: Isolation gives them more control.  
这些“煤气灯男”最是知道怎么操控人心了,他们会找跟自己一队的人,一起来针对你。他们会这么跟你说,“那谁谁谁都说你是错的啊,”或是“那谁也觉得你是个没用的废物。”一定要记住,那些人或许根本就没有说过这样的话。“煤气灯男”的套路总是相似的,当他用这些手段让你觉得不知该相信谁该求助谁的时候——他们就又身穿金甲战衣,脚踏七色云彩出现了。这就是他们真正的目的:孤立你,能让他们更容易的控制你。(在《煤气灯下》这部影片中,丈夫安东用各种理由阻止妻子与外界发生任何联系,不让她交际,连散步也不允许,名义上是呵护,实际是将妻子隔绝起来,实施孤立)
 
10.They tell you or others that you are crazy.
他们说你是个疯子
 
This is one of the most effective tools of the gaslighter, because it's dismissive. The gaslighter knows if they question your sanity, people will not believe you when you tell them the gaslighter is abusive or out-of-control. It's a master technique.  
这是“煤气灯男”最行之有效的招数,因为它最容易让他人对你产生不屑、轻蔑。他们知道,如果开始质疑你的头脑心智,当你再告诉别人他虐待你、他总是发疯,人们会觉得,你才是疯了的那一个。这才是大招。(文章开头提到的影片《煤气灯下》,女主宝拉因为侦探柏林的出现打破了真相,才没有被送到疯人院去。细思极恐。)
 
11.They tell you everyone else is a liar.
他们会告诉你,其他人都是骗子
 
By telling you that everyone else (your family, the media) is a liar, it again makes you question your reality. It's a manipulation technique. It makes people turn to the gaslighter for the "correct" information—which isn't correct information at all.
他们会不断的告诉你所有人都是骗子(包括你的家人、媒体),使你再次深陷怀疑自我、怀疑现实的漩涡中去,这也是他们的控制手段。(当矛盾、冲突甚至是暴力发生,在你不信任他人的前提下)这会使得人们去向控制者“煤气灯男”寻求事情的“真相”——当然,他们绝对不会说出真相。
 
美国人本主义心理学家罗杰斯曾说,爱是深深的理解与接受。真正的爱是建立在尊重与平等之上,任何以爱为名的打压与踏践都是爱的谎言。
 
越早了解“煤气灯男”,看清他们乐于心理控制的本质,知晓他们的手段,越早摆脱他们。
 
文学评论家马平川也说过,我们需要做的,是坚信自己、清楚自己的感受,暗示来得再汹涌澎湃,我心坦荡。

 



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